I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize