Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Even my vagina gasped.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
