i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
