Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i've created a new STD.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize