Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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