So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
