it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
