dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
