He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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