you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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