The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
