Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Your cock deserves a montage
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
