I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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