we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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