I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
