I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Small penises have feelings too.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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