can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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