I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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