i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
