I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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