just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
