I think I won the penis lottery.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize