dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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