WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
