it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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