I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
