I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
