I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
