I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I want her autograph on my taint
So squirting runs in the family.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
