my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
