The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
