Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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