happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
