One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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