Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
