Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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