i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
