There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
