i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
