i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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