i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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