I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
