she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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