Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
