I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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