Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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