my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
