I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
