I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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