I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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