I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I intend to get homeless drunk
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
