I molested 6 butterflies tonight
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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