In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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