when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
