dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My vagina just recognized that song.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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