I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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